The Mental Blocks that Ruin your Sex Life
By Suzanne Wagner
Fear of being judged.
This is a big one for men and women. People have many deep-seated fears of not being good enough. But it is not about technique or staying power, it is about intention and connection. First off, every woman is extremely different in what works for her to bring her to orgasm. The range is so vast that I don’t know how any man could figure it out. So it is extremely helpful for each person to talk about what they know about their own body. Just tell the truth. Talk about how hard someone can pinch your nipples. Talk about what makes you uncomfortable. What actions are okay and which ones are not. Then the other partner needs to listen to those desires, fears, and boundaries. But we also fear how we look. Are we pretty? Are we too fat? Are you going to be repulsed by those scars? Etc. Obviously the first step is to love yourself exactly the way you are. Bodies get old and will die. You cannot change that. People that are mature in their sexuality will be drawn to a person, not a body. They will be drawn to a heart connection. The feeling of wanting to merge with another is based on many things not just what you look like. And any person who is so hung up about a “body type” is probably someone you should walk away from. Because again, we all age and change. So if you stop being that body type and he or she is only connected to you because of how you look, or how much money you have, then you should definitely walk away. Confidence is sexy. Confidence is always sexy whether you are fat or thin, pretty or not so pretty. Find that confidence within by getting to know who you really are. Then share that. Then the fear of being judged will evaporate.
Insecurity is a place where you believe that no matter what you are really not good enough. And if you open up, and somebody finds out, it will be so embarrassing that you will feel deeply ashamed. So let’s just hang onto our insecurity and no one will ask us out or to open. Then, and only then, will we be safe. That is the belief that is often deep inside. But insecurity creates walls and a type of game that many mates could not figure out how to get past the avoidance issues to connect. They eventually give up and you get to justify that you are just too difficult that no one could figure out how to connect with you because you are just too insecure. It is a game your wounded child plays to stay safe. It will work but does it really get you where you want to go? Probably not. Therefore, ask yourself the question, “What do you have to do to generate more security within yourself?” Then you need to do that. You will need to take risks on your own because you have to figure out how to open those many locked doors. No mate will be able to open those doors if you don’t first hand them the key.
You don’t know what you want.
So many people really don’t know what they want in life. So why would they know what they want in relationship. Relationship is often a reflection of what you want in life and the priorities that you have lined up for your sense of completion in this life. It makes sense that if you want children and a big family you need to know that before you marry someone because what if they don’t? Then you end up with issues that become buried and that tear away at the foundation of your intimacy. If one person is afraid to have children because they had a crappy childhood and the other wants 4 children because they love big families, you can see that this creates a type of tension that is almost unbearable because in the end someone has to sell out and that builds resentment. The first step is to honestly look to your future like you are a train getting ready to go someplace. The train does not leave the station until it has a direction. Without that direction and clarity, why would anyone get on your train? If your direction and goals align with theirs enough then they will want to go on that journey with you. It starts with knowing who you are and what your mission and purpose is in this life. When you are authentic and real you will attract someone who is also authentic, real, and in alignment with those shared goals.
You fear rejection.
Rejection is a part of the game. Sex, love, and intimacy are all about rejection. You are going to be rejected again and again. If you collapse every time, then you will not be able to have courage and boldness when faced with the bigger sexual intimacy issues that are bound to come up in a long-term relationship. You have to have the tests of rejection because sexual energy is a big deal. You have to try, fail, adjust, and try again. That is the only way to learn. I know that every person I talk to that had sexual partners that were very difficult to please always had a deeper understanding of the opposite sex, better skill in bed (because they kept having to try new things), and a more committed willingness to life, passion, love, and depth. People don’t reject you. People reject what they don’t understand, what is unfamiliar, what is a stretch, what is overwhelming, and what is more than they can emotionally handle in a particular moment. Often a person’s life issues decide if they accept or reject you. So learn to not take it personally. They have their own fears and issues too. It really is not about you but about where they are at in the moment.
You are doing what you were told is good and right.
Society tells us that good sex is when the woman orgasms and then the man orgasms. But what if society, intentionally left a whole bunch of secrets out of that equation? Pleasure is pleasure and it does not have to look like a peak orgasm. It feels good to be touched, tickled, licked, sucked, etc. It feels good to tease, chase, tackle, wrestle, and play hard to get. Sexuality is supposed to be “Adult Romper Room”! A game of life that is fun, youth-en-izing, invigorating, comforting, connecting, sincere, supportive, loving, peaceful, playful, passionate, releasing, surrendering, and becoming one with the one we love. Learn to be spontaneous. Learn to take a few risks without an end goal that just looks like the same old thing.
You believe sex is death
We have all heard the phrase, “Le Petite Mort”, the little death. This term was started in the 1800’s to describe the post-orgasmic state of unconsciousness that some people have after having some sexual experiences. But there is much more going on below the surface of this phrase. Sex and death have been intertwined forever. Eons ago, humanity went from a one-pint brain to a 3-pint brain in 100,000 years (which was very rapid) and they can prove that the death rate of women in childbirth was approximately 50%. That meant that if a woman had sex and got pregnant that there was a 50% chance that she would die in childbirth of her first child. But that second one she was probably going to die. That created a fear in the deep feminine psyche and brain that equated to sex as death. They also believe that women discovered the concept of time because human females do not have an estrus cycle, they instead cycle to the moon. That is why women in tribes often were all on their menstrual cycles at the same time or close to the same time. Eventually women figured out that if they had sex at a certain time they were at a higher risk for pregnancy. So they learned how to count and minimize their risk of death through childbirth. So women have this sex and death thing very connected and it has been passed down for generations. Also women that were not with a strong man were at risk of getting raped (pregnancy/death) and dying because of masculine aggression, war, feminine, etc. So there is a type of innate protective quality that comes across as withholding of sex that is genetic and about safety and life and death. It is important for men to understand this. Men also have been willing to die for a loved one, either because of protecting and defending home and family, or because of being willing to risk it all for the sake of love. Know that in relationship, each partner needs to be aware of their own biological programming and genetic fears that wander around and create obstructions and resistance. Discover what your fear is around sex and death and share that with your partner.
Fear of vulnerability
The fear of vulnerability is a very real feeling and is the cause of much pushing and pulling in relationships. Women in our culture have been given opportunities to have power and control that is unique and very different than the patterns over the last thousand years. That make some women much less willing to surrender and give up that power. She especially will not give it up to a man that is weaker than her. She also often has used her power to protect herself and be able to match men in this “man’s world”. So she may not even know that she has a problem with vulnerability. Such women appear in command of their world and strong. But are they really happy? Everyone wants to feel safe enough with their lover to let go and to be cared for. Even strong men want (at times) to let go and let someone else make a decision or choice. But when life has not given opportunities to learn that there is power in vulnerability, you may be very afraid of what your mind has told you about being vulnerable. Minds love to say that it is a very bad idea. That if someone knows your weakness then they can capitalize on that and really hurt you. While that is true it also makes a life that has no depth or passion. Passion requires you to risk. And your partner longs to have you trust them to the level that you show that vulnerability. Take a moment and notice what you are afraid of in being vulnerable. Voice that with your mate. Discuss what you need to feel safe. And make a choice to trust someone that is trustworthy to take you someplace that you cannot take yourself.
Fear of sexually transmitted diseases